I have often wondered what I should be when i 'grow up,' so to speak. for a long time, i wanted to be a nurse. that was not very realistic though, because i discovered that i strongly dislike the sight of blood. i was not that way as a child though. i could see blood, or wounds, or w/e and not freak out, and not feel ill, and all that kind of stuff. but now, as i get older i begin to grow more sensative to it. if i see a movie where people are killed, it bothers me, like if its a gory death. i do not watch the battle scenes in movies like alexander and troy and kingdom of heaven. Alexander was a despicable movie, by the way, in my opinion that is. I found nothing redeeming in it. But im sure some people liked it. I have never been able to get over my hatred of seeing animals suffer, though. Ever since i was little, i refused to watch animal movies, like bambie, or milo and otis, or the incredible journey, or where the red fern grows, or old yeller, or any of those, because animals got hurt. i just can't take it. i suppose its good that i have compassion like that, and perhaps some would say i would make a good vet because i care for animals, but i know i wouldn't because i would way to emotionally caught up and i would sad all the time for them.

So once i determined i wasn't going to be a nurse, i realized that I had an interest in Psychology and such, figuring out what makes people tick, what makes them happy and sad, what makes them want to act the way they do and influences the chioces they make. I have always been a person who analyzes everything. If i have a conversation with someone, (not just anyone, like if the conversation is of interest) i will go back and replay it in my mind, examining the expressions and movements and words and connotations and everything until i start to form an image of that person in my mind. Its also very helpful if I can get background information, like who their parents are and if they have a good relationships with them, if they have siblings and how many and what their genders and ages are, where they work, how well the perform acamemically, etc. all these things come together and allow me form a mental picture of a person and i can figure out how they will react to different things. some people choose to react unpredictably, but even unpredictability can be predictable even if the action itself is not, because a person always has a reason for choosing to act unpredictably. sometimes people feel that their unpredictability seperates them from those around them, that it is their defining feature. Others are afraid of letting others into their lives and thus choose to act unpredictably so no one will be able to figure them out and see their problems. There are many other reasons, and every person has his or her own reason for acting the way they choose to, a seperate set of circumstances and responses, etc.

in some ways, people are all the same, all looking for meaing, all trying to find something to live for, all scared of thing unknown, but people choose to manifest these similarities in different ways. some choose to reveal their fears and openly search for meaning and purpose. other choose to appear like they have it all together because they are more afraid of others than they are of never finding it. Some people shut the world out entirely, living like hermits. other shut the world out by putting up a facade of happiness and smiles, or some extreme behavior. Everyone wants to have a place in the world. It's hard to find it sometimes though. Sometimes i want to be just like everyone else so that no one will look at me and think i'm different. sometimes i dont want to be like anyone around me, i want to be different, i want to stand out, i want to make a mark, and yet...the two somehow end up coinciding at times. That is the challenge, to find the difference betweent the two....so i thought about being like a therapist or something, majoring in psychology and trying to help other people, because my friends naturally came to me for help and shared what they were feeling with me, so i thought, why not do this for a job? but then i realized that when people were sharing their secrets and lives with me, i was becoming wrapped up in them myself, and i got very emotionally involved which led to some of my own problems. I realized that i wouldn't be able to, in my present condition, seperate my professional life from my emotional and personal life, because the two would be connected. Now that is true of every job in some sense, but i felt that it would be particularly true of this one. So no more therapist or councelor. I still councel my friends though.

So now, i want to be a writer. I want to write all sorts of books and stories and become famous, and yet another part of my wants to write them under a psudonym so that no one will know who i really am...the decision i have to make lol. I love to write, but i know that i will not be able to just up and write a best seller, so i'm going to be an english teacher for either older high school or college kids. That will be fun in some aspects, but draining in tohers. i wonder where my life will go sometimes. I have a lot of potential, and i know i can do basically anything i really set my mind to, but i just need to decide what it is that my mind will be set to and then chase it, because i will eventually reach my goals. they just need to be good goals that i am truly passionate about or it won't work.