I don't feel good. i should really be going to bed but instead im typing for this english thing. i think im getting sick. i keep taking medicine that delays the symptoms but then the meds wear off and im like wowww i don't feel good. so yeah. i don't know if it's good to just be sick all the time and just be on meds so u don't notice. but w/e it works. i just finished studying with lisa for our math quiz tomorrow. im none to excited about, but oh well, thats what happens when your proffessor teaches one chapter for all of first semester and tries to jam the rest of the course into second semester. yup. oh well. so i got an 80 on the last test. i'm gonna make a b in the class. that totally stinks. im supposed to make A's. all the time. all the time. alwayz. but maybe i can do. who knows? lol. and....i have to go to school tomorrow. it is presently ten twenty-eight and i get to get up at approxamately six forty-five and get ready and then drive to school for forty-five minutes and go to humanities from nine thirty to ten forty five and then i will walk across campus to the ic building and go math at eleven and that will last until twelve fifteen and i will walk to the gym and get dressed for soccer class and then i will walk to the soccer class and try to get there by twelve thirty and i then i willl play soccer for a while and then i will go eat with katie and then i will go to english class from two until three fifteen. yes indeed. so that's that. hopefully i'll get my english grade back. we'll see.

And then i will drive home from school for forty five minutes. i always pass amber on the way home and we get off at the same exit and she always leaves before i do but i always get to the exit before her. dr koch passed us the other day. it was funny. so yeah then i'll get off nineteen forty one and get on sixteen and then i will drive senoia and then i will practice piano for quite a while until my lesson at six, and if im lucky i'll eat something somehwere in there, then i'll have like an hour long lesson. or maybe just thirty minutes. i cna't remember. and i will stay there for a while and that will be nice. sorta. since i cant' get my stupid song done. and its so pretty makes me mad. so yeah. and then i'll come home and study or watch tv or someting. maybe i can read! i got anew book its called the dwelling place and its the sequal to the swan house that i read last year in school. the swan house was really good. awesoem book and this one is too so far. rather dissimilar tho. like, the style is the same, but the plot is different which is cool becuse like, i hate it when authors use like the same plot over and over with different characters. doesn't work.

and i don't know what i shall do after that. maybe i can sleep. that would lovely. and then friday, i will teach the moore's piano and hopefully they will have practiced, and then i will go the pollard's house and teach the boys' piano and then i will go to work and work until like five and then i will go church where my mom's play is. she teaches fourth to sixth graders and they're putting on a play. the magician's nephew by c s lewis and then i will watch that and hopefully it will great and then i will help mom take everything down probably and come home and go to bed. and then saturday i will study for finals and there's something else im doing....i can't rememer. im doing something on saturday! what is it??? thats infuriating. i don't like the song that just came on. im going to change it. ok when this song is over, im going to bed. i liked wearing my hair up today. it was fun. i like having it a little bit longer. i want to grow it long, like middle of my back and i think it might actually have some wave in it, so we'll see how that looks. i've never been able to get it very long, but maybe i alwayz trimmed it off before it really had a change to grow. we'll see. my binder has pictures on it. of some of my friends. i think i might use folders next semester insead of a binder, but i kind of like the binder idea because its just one thing that you have to carry all the time and like i can just grab it and have like enoughw ith me to at least some school all the time, so i'll grab my binder if i'm going to the office.

and then i can do school while im at the office if i run out of stuff to do or i can just do school if i have any spare time at all kuz its not like i just have time on my hands all the time unfortunately. i used to have time a lot, but now i don't., time is valuable. 'life's like an hourglass glued to the table' thats what...w/e her name is. anna nalick. that song is called breathe 2 am. this is kind of all free association writing or something. we were talking about the other day in humanties just kind of writing whatever comes to your mind instead of like having a plan its kind of fun. my speakers stopped working the other day. i freaked out. i called caroline to see what was wrong with them kuz she's relaly good with computer sand while i was on the phone with her, i restarted my computer and they started working again so of course i actuallys ort of credit caroline with the vicotry but really the sound card or w/e just hadnt' woken up so it woke up when i restarted it and then my speaker's worked because i had gone like crawling around onteh floor and checked all the connections and they were all connected so i was confuzed but then they worked. so i was happy. i like my headphone they came with my ipod so thats cool. they're white and they just liek fit inside your ears usuualy that kind of head phones doesn't really work but these do. my song is over good night.

And annie types...and types...and types....i'm a leader at this camp in the summer, and its an all girls camp, and normally we like all stay at my house kuz my mom is the head of it, but this year we went camping at fdr state park. yeah like 30 girls camping. and it rained. and a lot of the tents flooded and we had to run around in the rain like getting stuff out of the tents and switching it to hte dry tents and it was quite and experience because we ended up with two groups in my tent so there were like 12 people at least in this tent and it was like wow squished lol. it was fun though. like there were a bunch of younger girls and few older girls and my friend caylor came and it was really fun, and we had to cook over an open fire which was really an experience. for future reference, it takes like ten minutes to cook one side of a piece of toast on an open fire when you're using a coffee can as stove lol. and if you put potatoes and some meat and carrots and lots of salt and pepper into a fire wrapped in foil, it comes out good. especially if your starving lol. and you soon discover that it doesn't matter what you look like when your in the middle of the woods with a bunch of girls. i'm talking to my friend john on the phone, and im listening to kelly clarkson. i love kelly clarkson. if i don't have my kelly clarkson every day then the day isn'g good lol.

And the yellow exclamation point swirls again lol. there's a tissue box on my desk. it has dasies on it, but their cool daisies. one side has a purpose daisy with a lime green background. another side a has yellow daisy with a green center on a pink background. another side has a pink daisy on a purpose background. the other side has a white daisy with a yellow center on an orange background. the top of the box is yellow. the rim aroun the bottom is purpose. the tissues are white. my room is pink. i have a canopy bed that is periwinkle (a shade between light blue and light purple, very pretty). i have a hardwood floor that is partially covered by a rug that is pink with flowers on it. i have a chair (like an arm chair) that is tansish brown with flowers on it. i am tired or talkign about my room. the house i live in was built in 1912. i like it. i used to have a purple phone (like a home phone) but now i have a silver one because the purple one died. i liked the purple one though. it was awesome. the silver one is cool too though. whenever someone calls, it says "Call from Rast Henry C" in this wierd robotic female voice, or whoever is calling. sometimes it says "Call from Atlanta G A) like it says the letters G and A. its funny. kinda scared me at first when we first got caller id.

it was like wow the phone is talking to me lol. but now im used to it. its cool kuz if im asleep, i can decide if i want to answer thephone or not, or i canolike hear who's calling if im just like doing something else and figure out if someone else is goign to get it or not. that kind of thing. it is my opinion that the only way to truly teach a class on public speaking is not to have people write outlines of speeches and read textbooks on speeches...it is for them to get up in front of people and speak! every week! thats the only way you get used to it and its the only way you get better at it. reading a book on how to ride a bike or skateboard or something doesn't make you any better when you get out there on the bike or skateboard. you just know in your mind how do it. its like, an art that you have to master through experience, and so i think that in our public speaking class we should have had to get up every week and talk instead of just speaking like four times. in school, i had to get up every week and talk, and i got used it. i was shaking every time i got up there, but i got better and better at until you couldn't even tell i was shaking. and if i ever teach a class on public speaking, thats what i'll do.

When you publish a blog post on here, theres this exclamation point that appears within a yellow triangle and these little thingys like swirl around until its done publishing. i'm trying to decide what song to put in my profile. i always put song lyrics in my profile. my eyes are tired. they're closed. so what if i have lots of typos lol. who really cares anyways. its just a whole bunch of words thrown together so that i have enough word to count for the grade so that i cget an A in english. IM SO MAD THAT IM GOING TO GET AN B IN MATH!!!!!!!!! YOU HAVE NO IDEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!its so stupid. ok my phone is so wierd. i think i've dropped it one too many times. im just like sitting here, right, and it randomly turns itself on, or something, like it was already on, but it decided to restart. so it sings its little song dun da da dun dun da DA!!!!! like at the beginning of the old movies or w/e, and then its on and again and i'm like...'ok...', so yeah. i think that dropping your phone numerous times may have more effect on it than just a few scratches on the lovely silver cover. perhaps its a little strange on the inside as well. but thats ok. i still love it lol. it still takes pictures and goes everywhere with me, excpet when i forget which i've been doing a lot lately.

its very sad. i hate being without my phone. i alwayz have it, and if i can't find it, i'm liek where's my phone? where's my phone?? where's myyyy pphhhonnnee????? all the while desperately searching. yes. im not as bad as i used to be though. i used to have it like practically attatched to me all the time. now i can leave it in my room or something while im in the house. it doens't have to go with me. improvement! lol. my mom just called and said that they had to evacuate from a grocery store. i wonder what happened. rather odd. i've never have to evacuate from a grocery store lol. evacuate. that's an interestin word. i wonder how it came to be. i can't think of any roots that describe it. you see i took latin for two years so i automatically look for roots in words so that i can figure out the meaning by the root, but i see no root in this word, other than vac which i suppose couled have some relavence to vacuum....but i don't see any real connection between those to words so i doubt it. i hated latin but it has served me rather well even though i felt like i didn't learn anything.

ok so i just typed a whole blog and it went away. sad day. i was typing about the importance of reaading to your children, the speech i gave last night. ok. so here we go again.
the importance of reading to your children
you know what? i really dont want to type about that. i typed about that for forever the other night when i was making my outline. and i had to practice a speech about and then deliver a speech about it and i really dont want to type anything more about so there. i won't. and i also don't want to be sitting in this chair anymore! i really don't! but i guess i will continue to sit here until i get seriously hungry and then i'll go downstairs and stare at the cabinet for a while and then i'll stare at the fridge and then i'll decide that there's nothing there that i want to eat and then i'll come back upstairs and type some more.

i mean i may as well not even go down there in the first place because i know whats going to happen. im too picky of an eater. thats not a good thing. i should learn to be eaily pleased so that i can eat more food and not be all picky. like not only does it have to be cream cheese and chives crakcers, not any other kind of crackers, it has to be LANCE cram cheese and chives crackers or i won't eat them. and not only does it have to be progresso soup (or the hearty cambells kind) it has to be CHICKEN progresso soup. and not only does it have to be orange juice, it has to be orange juice out of a PLASTIC container and has little to no pulp in it, or i won't drink. and not only does it have to be a casserole with crackers and whatever else goes in it, it has to have CHICKEN in it, not turkey or i won't want to eat it. and not only does it have to be chicken, it has to be BAKED, BONELESS chicken not grilled, or i won't eat it. and i could go on and on. see i'm really quite picky and very many things and those are jsut a few examples. if i wasn't so picky, maybe i would be healthier or something. i don't know. ok. done with food.

And it is still wednesday november 20, 2005 lol. i just got done teaching piano. had four lessons to do today, as well as practicing myself, which i need to do again, so im about sick of the piano for today, but too bad i'm not done. i have my recital on the ninth or something, well actually one on the eighth and one on the ninth and then my kids recital is on the fifteenth or something. and i think they're going to play at the one on the eighth as well. which will be cool. i taught phoebe, chloe, marianne, and julia today. they did pretty well. im doing a duet of canon in D with phoebe. its really pretty, but she needs to practice. chloe is doing twinkle twinkle little start and maybe my favorite things, from the sound of music. julia is doing jingle bells, and marianne is doing God rest ye merry gentlemen. phoebe is also doing away in the manger. so they're doing pretty well, they all seriously need to practice though, but so do i. i'm supposed to be doing two songs at my recital, All in All and Mary did you know. i have all in all down. i was actually supposed to do it in may, but teacher scheduled the rectial for the night of my friends wedding and didn't tell me about it until like two weeks before hand so i didin't get to play. but i'll play that one and hopefully mary did you know, but im not so hott at it yet, which is why i need to practice. but i'll hopefully get it done :) and prove my teacher wrong haha. speaking of which, i need to call that teacher at school and see if i can get lesssons with him next semester. i need to call him though. i'm tired of typing. because i'm typing to ppl too. typing can get dull. but i like typing. i guess that kind of comes from playing piano that i can type quickley. but i don't know. maybe i just do it a lot.

well today is wednesday November 30, 2005. I am wearing my american eagle jeans (faves) a long sleeve green gap shirt, a sheer pink sweater with clasps on the front, my brown shoes with the pink bows, and my hair is up. my hair is now long enough to get into a ponytail and i put bobby pins it to make stick out cute. i have on my dangley silver earings that like swirl and i have my rings back on. i wear two rings all the time. one of them is silver and its a pinky ring. its actually my best friend hopes. you see, she went to gordon last fall and one day like right after we got back from christmas break, she came to school and told that she was leaving and going to covenant college in north georgia. it was tuesday when she told me and she was leaving saturday. i was very sad, needless to say, because we did everything together and talked on the phone all the time, and i was just sad. so before she left she gave me her pinky ring and i wear it all the time like a friendship ring. she's still at covenant. and now i'm gordon. but hopefully i'll be up there too in next fall, if everything works out. i wear another ring my fourth finger of my right hand. my parents gave it to me on my thirteenth birthday. its gold and it has an amythest heart in it. its a promise ring. so i alwayz wear those. i have a nervous habit of playing with my rings when i'm nervous, so i take them off when i have to give speeches and stuff so i don't play when my rings the entire time and get counted off for 'distracting mannerisms.'

i had to give a speech last night, so i took my rings off and left them at home, but they're back on now. my speech was on the importance of reading to your children. it was a really good speech. i practiced it like three times to myself in the mirror and i didn't know how well it was going to go, but it ended up great. i was really happy. i didn't even really have to look at my outline, i just remembered everything and just talked to the class and my teacher said that it was 'beautifully done' and she said that i would excel at anything i tried to do and that if i wanted to a teacher or something that involved public speaking i would be good, but that i would do well at everything. i was happy. :) and i even convinced nora, one of my friends in the class who has children, to read to her kids. i sat down and she was like 'i'm going to read to my kids more now. i already read to them some, but im going to set out like half an hour every day to reaad to them.' i was happy about that too, because it was a pursuasive speech and i persuaded her :). ok i have to go teach piano now. bbl

i like starbucks. i like coffee. i like the coffee and starbucks. in the summer i like mocha frapuccinos and in the winter i like pumpkin spice lattes. i saw pride and prejudice the other day. its good. there's this really lame part where she's talking to mr darsey and he's supposed to be declaring his love for her and its supposed to be all emotional and stuff and he looks at her and goes...i love...i love...i love YOU! and me and hope just died laughing. and everybody else took it all seriously and it was like really funny. And yes. that was that. and then the very end is all like mrs darsey, mrs darsey, mrs darsey, and its all lame. and i wished it had ended well, but thats ok because kiara knightly did a relaly good job and i was pleased. she's a very diverse actress. i'd best be going home soon becuase i have to deliver my speech tonight on the importance of reading to one's children. it encourages like thought density or something and can actually help preven alzheimer's disease and stuff. so i think i'll read to my kids. my mom read to me and i love to read and now i like to write and i perform well academically so i think other people should too :)

my makeup. i used to wear a whole lot of makeup. i wore foudation, and like this foundation stuff that was like shimmery that went over your whole face, and blush, and mascara, and different shades of eyeshadow, like all blended together to match my outfit, usually rather dark, and then i would wear eyeliner, and lipgloss and lipstick, or maybe just one, or both, and all sorts of stuff. now, i dont' wear so much. I only wear foundation, blue, and eyeshadow. occasionally, i wear the shimmery stuff, and even sometimes eyeshadow lol. its much better not having to wear so much because it doesn't take me nearly as long to put my makeup on and get ready for the day. It used to take me like forever but now it doesn't take me as long. it still takes me a while though, because im always tired and stuff. and i have to do my hair and pick my outfit and put it on and all. i dont' even take so long picking my outfit anymore. college does these things to you lol. i just kind of grab a pair of jeans and a shirt of some sort that is flattering and maybe even some jewelry to match and then i put it on and do my makeup and do my hair and fine some socks and put my shoes on. finding socks is always hard. i have to dig through my sock drawer for like forever to try to find matching ones. but i find them. and then i go. summer is easier because i can wear the same pair of flip flops every day and then they just match.

Purses. I shall tell about my purses. I think i shall continue discussing my wardrobe and accessories. I have many purses. during the summer months, i buy a new purse every month. right now, i'm using a purse that has a picture of a model crossing the street. she's very tall. there is a taxi stopped so she can cross the street. it has the same picture on both sides. one side has beads though, like highlighting the picture. Another purse i have that has a picture of a girl like lying on a bed talking on the phone and she has a cute dress on, but you can't see her head, its cut out of the picture. and there's a cut in the picture with her. i love cats. Another purse i have is very large. its cute though. its black and one side has a black and white picture of a sailor and two girls, like eating and stuff. its cute. another one i have is black and big and it has like black straps that have pink stripes on them and the inside is hawaiian flowers. i have another black purse thats like shiny from victoria's secret that caylor gave me for christmas last year. its cute and it has a bow on it that has white stitching. and i have another purse...that is like tiny. its like light blue rawhide kind of leather and it these cool like, hangy things on it. and i have another purse...is blue, its navy and its cool. i have another black purse (i have a lot black purses) that is like miniature. its really cute and i took it to homecoming. and i have a white purse that has blue and green and yellow flowers on it. its really cute. and i have another purse that is like rust colored red. its really cute and it has a long strap. and i have many other purses. but i cannot remember them all.

I have often wondered what I should be when i 'grow up,' so to speak. for a long time, i wanted to be a nurse. that was not very realistic though, because i discovered that i strongly dislike the sight of blood. i was not that way as a child though. i could see blood, or wounds, or w/e and not freak out, and not feel ill, and all that kind of stuff. but now, as i get older i begin to grow more sensative to it. if i see a movie where people are killed, it bothers me, like if its a gory death. i do not watch the battle scenes in movies like alexander and troy and kingdom of heaven. Alexander was a despicable movie, by the way, in my opinion that is. I found nothing redeeming in it. But im sure some people liked it. I have never been able to get over my hatred of seeing animals suffer, though. Ever since i was little, i refused to watch animal movies, like bambie, or milo and otis, or the incredible journey, or where the red fern grows, or old yeller, or any of those, because animals got hurt. i just can't take it. i suppose its good that i have compassion like that, and perhaps some would say i would make a good vet because i care for animals, but i know i wouldn't because i would way to emotionally caught up and i would sad all the time for them.

So once i determined i wasn't going to be a nurse, i realized that I had an interest in Psychology and such, figuring out what makes people tick, what makes them happy and sad, what makes them want to act the way they do and influences the chioces they make. I have always been a person who analyzes everything. If i have a conversation with someone, (not just anyone, like if the conversation is of interest) i will go back and replay it in my mind, examining the expressions and movements and words and connotations and everything until i start to form an image of that person in my mind. Its also very helpful if I can get background information, like who their parents are and if they have a good relationships with them, if they have siblings and how many and what their genders and ages are, where they work, how well the perform acamemically, etc. all these things come together and allow me form a mental picture of a person and i can figure out how they will react to different things. some people choose to react unpredictably, but even unpredictability can be predictable even if the action itself is not, because a person always has a reason for choosing to act unpredictably. sometimes people feel that their unpredictability seperates them from those around them, that it is their defining feature. Others are afraid of letting others into their lives and thus choose to act unpredictably so no one will be able to figure them out and see their problems. There are many other reasons, and every person has his or her own reason for acting the way they choose to, a seperate set of circumstances and responses, etc.

in some ways, people are all the same, all looking for meaing, all trying to find something to live for, all scared of thing unknown, but people choose to manifest these similarities in different ways. some choose to reveal their fears and openly search for meaning and purpose. other choose to appear like they have it all together because they are more afraid of others than they are of never finding it. Some people shut the world out entirely, living like hermits. other shut the world out by putting up a facade of happiness and smiles, or some extreme behavior. Everyone wants to have a place in the world. It's hard to find it sometimes though. Sometimes i want to be just like everyone else so that no one will look at me and think i'm different. sometimes i dont want to be like anyone around me, i want to be different, i want to stand out, i want to make a mark, and yet...the two somehow end up coinciding at times. That is the challenge, to find the difference betweent the two....so i thought about being like a therapist or something, majoring in psychology and trying to help other people, because my friends naturally came to me for help and shared what they were feeling with me, so i thought, why not do this for a job? but then i realized that when people were sharing their secrets and lives with me, i was becoming wrapped up in them myself, and i got very emotionally involved which led to some of my own problems. I realized that i wouldn't be able to, in my present condition, seperate my professional life from my emotional and personal life, because the two would be connected. Now that is true of every job in some sense, but i felt that it would be particularly true of this one. So no more therapist or councelor. I still councel my friends though.

So now, i want to be a writer. I want to write all sorts of books and stories and become famous, and yet another part of my wants to write them under a psudonym so that no one will know who i really am...the decision i have to make lol. I love to write, but i know that i will not be able to just up and write a best seller, so i'm going to be an english teacher for either older high school or college kids. That will be fun in some aspects, but draining in tohers. i wonder where my life will go sometimes. I have a lot of potential, and i know i can do basically anything i really set my mind to, but i just need to decide what it is that my mind will be set to and then chase it, because i will eventually reach my goals. they just need to be good goals that i am truly passionate about or it won't work.

we once walked out on the beach...

I'm sitting in the writing center. oh what to write about. The word of the day today is lassitude. its a noun meaning 'lack of energy or vitality, listlessness of wearliness. I think i've been feeling lassitude lately. lol. just lots of stress trying to get everything done. the other word or the day is : spatula. its a noun meaning 'implemenmt having a small, flat, flexible blade that is use to mix, spread or left material. I don't think i would refer to it as a blade. I think a blade is something sharp like on a knife, but i suppose thats just my perception of the word. Spatulas are used in cooking and i'm just such a cooking person lol. *not the sarcasm* but its ok. Ok, i'm going to find a list of words and begin commenting on them. i like words that soud kind of fairyish, like ethereal and mystical and words like that. i think i probably have a list at home somewhere of all my favorite words. i have lists of names too. everytime i come up with a name or discover a name that i like in a story or something like that, or just like out, i'll write it down because i have to have names to use in my stories. i like the name ardenlee right now, and stuff like that. i can't remember them all right now. 'Now that I am a man, I have put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up." C S Lewis said that. I like C S Lewis. He was a very good writer and an interesting person. The beginning of it sounds like that verse, 'when i was a child, i thought like child, i acted like a child, i reasoned as a child, but when i became a man, i put childish ways behind me' or something like that, but then he adds a twist to it. very cool.

on being an only child
being an only child is interesting. i think it gives me certain perceptions into the world of siblings that anyone with siblings cannot see because they are biased. only children are typically spoiled, at least thats the stereotype on them. i think i'm spoiled to some degree, but i definately don't alwayz get everything i want, but i do get certain things that other children don't, like having my own room and having my own computer. i enjoy it to some degree and yet i would give up all the privelidges that i have experienced in my life as an only child in order to have siblings. my backpack is far too heavy. i look forward to longer having to carry it around. Yes but back to being an only child...there is something about having siblings that develops a person in a way that friends cannot. It teaches you to share, to know how to live with other people, to be able to concentrate with noise around you. i cannot concentrate with noise. i can't sleep with the tv on. i can sometimes concentrate with music, but not alwayz. i can't concentrate if there are people talking around me, especially if i'm trying to read. it has to be all quiet if im going to read and if someonne interupts me, i get very upset lol. this is not a good thing lol. But it cannot be helped. maybe when i move in with other people when i dorm at college i'll get more used to it. i hope i get a roomate that is nice. if i got to covenant, hope with be my roomate. she is messy, but so am i. i am not as messy as her though haha. so yes. I hope that i get to do that. She would be nice and help me and not get mad at me for being messy and she would tell me when i was being selfish.

She wouldn't just let me be selfish and not tell me about it lol. She already does. she'll be like, you need to fix your attitude, or something like that lol. and then i listen and try to be better. its so funny how yoru frineds can tell you someting that your parents try to tell you all the time but you think your parents are being overbearing and mean but when your friends say it, you listen and actually do it. but its really funny to me. thats why its improtnat to make good friends becaue they have such an influence. influence is very powerful. especially if your a person like me who is very impressionable. I shouldn't be so impressionable. its not that everyone can have an effect on me, its just the people i trust. i trust too easily though. i need to work on that, and i am, its just like that i have a naturally trusting nature which is good in some ways, but it can also be bad. because then you trust the wrong people and you get hurt or you get yourself in trouble. so yeah. alwayz make good friends and be careful when you're trusting people because they have more influence than you realize.

shoes

now i'll write about my shoes. there's no way i can remember all of them. no way in the world. i'll just highlight the faves tho. my bowling shoes are blue and they have like two stripes on them, like in tan, they're cute and match like everything. my new balances are light blue and they have yellow strips and n's on them. i love them. then there are my skechers that i wear for like soccer and everything. and then there are the brown ones with the pink bows, ok that sounds funny, but theyr'e really cute. they like slide on. and then there are the mudd ones that are like backless slide on tennis shoes sorta. they're really cute. the sides are like see through sorta. and then there are the black mary janes or w/e they're called. they're like, dressier. and i have my black heels, well multiple pairs of black heels, and my fave heels, the pink ones. :) and i have these cute brown american eagle shoes, and black ones that aren't ae that are similar to the brown ones but not as cute. and then there are all my summer shoes that im not even really thinking about right now because its cold. tons of flip flops, etc. and shoes shoes and more shoes

jeans

now i shall describe all my jeans. my american eagle jeans are my very favorites. its like, really wierd because i can wear a 0 in american eagle. i dont' wear a 0 in other brands, but its kinda cool. i wear a 0 long. they're all like faded. they fit me perfectly, like no other jeans do. i have another cool pair that has no pockets on the back and they have like tiny little crisscoross pockets on the front and like seams down the legs. i have another pair that has like the kind of pockets that button on the back, and on the sides of the leg. and then there's all the ones that i used to like but that i only wear for like, working in the yard and stuff, like the dark mudd ones with the wierd pockets and the angels ones that im officially giving away because they just don't work anymore. i have a cool pair that have like flowers and butterflies and stuff on them. they're newish. i have another pair thats newish that are just kind of like plain jeans, they're cute tho. they're like a lightish color. and there's those other american eagle ones that don't fit either and im giving those away too...so yeah. i can't remember them all. at my school, we alwayz had to wear like, khakis or black or navy or skirts or something, no jeans. but jeans are my fave. :)

I shall now blog about my obsession with hoodies. I love hoodies (hoodies being sweatshirts with hoods on them). i have like a whole bunch of them and whenever its cold i like go to the store monthly and buy one. I love roxy hoodies especially, but i have really a lot of those so i'm thinking about switching to american eagle hoodies especially since we just got an american eagle in the avenue and I'M SO EXCITED!!! lol i love american eagle. ok. so i have a pink roxy hoodie, and it has like hawaiian flowers down the sleeves, etc. I have a red roxy hoodie that zips up the front. i has the roxy heart symbol thing on one side and then it has the symbol in blue on one of the sleeves. on the back, like at the bottom right i think, it says roxy, like all cool in white, and it has all these blue words around it like surf stuff, etc. So that's the red one. Then there's the black one, well one of the black ones. the first black one i got has roxy written on it in pink on one side of the chest, kuz it zips up too, and it has the roxy symbol in pink on one of the sleeves, and then on the back it says roxy like, over a bunch of pink flowers that are really pretty. that's the black one. then there's the blue one. its navy and it has like pink and purplish flowers, hawaiian, on the sleeves and its the pullover kind that doesn't zip and it says roxy on the chest in pinkish purple. it was my first roxy hoodie. then there's the other black one. it's my latest roxy one. it has white writing. zips up, is a little tighter than some of the others, has white flowers, can't really remember all of it. says roxy on the chest it think. has the roxy symbol the sleeve. the billabong symbol is the roxy symbol cut in half kuz billabong is the guy version of roxy but there is girl stuff in the billabong line, but no guy stuff in the roxy line, as far as i know.

then there is the white roxy track jacket...track jackets being the kind of jacket that zips up the front and has a collar but no hood. so i have a white one and it has like pink writing and like, i can't really tell if the other color is brown or like incredibly dark purplse. i think its purplse. but it says roxy across the back and has three of the roxy symbols on the chest like, all together. its cute. another of my faves is a blue track jacket i have. it has like a canadian maple leaf on it and it has different color strips across the chest, like a greenish/blue shade and like, light blue and maybe...i don't remember. its just cute. i wear it a lot. i have two white aeropostale hoodies. they zip up the front. the first one has three-quarter lenth sleeves and the zipper has an A on it, which is cool kuz my name starts with an A. the second one has long sleeves and the zipper is normal. i can't find it though. *tears*. kuz i really like it. i have two coats that i wear a lot. one of them is like, tan, off whitish kind of and its all fuzzy, like the wool kind of fuzzy, like all the jackets have. its like, a little longish, comes like a fourth or half way down my thigh. the other one is pink. its like a ski jacket kind of thing and it has a hood that has white fur on it (fake of course) and i look like a pink marshmellow in it, or a pink snow bunny or something. it works on me tho ;)

on being stubborn
its fun to be stubborn at times. i'm a very stubborn person. and i'm also very accustomed to getting my own way. i think that perhaps comes from the only child thing. i just expect to get my way with my friends and with my parents and people, but not alwayz. its kind of a weakness at times because i need to be more thoughtful of others. but its fun to be like 'no this is the way its going to be' lol. but its better to be kind to other people than to get my own way. and if i actually let people have their way more often, i might be happier. kind of like the gift thing, its fun to shop for me, but its more fun to shop for other people in the end. yessss i get to leave in twenety two minutes and i can stop typing! lol and i won't have to think about the fact that it will takemore characters to type out twenty two instead of just typing 22. lol. becuase i need as many characters as are humanly possible. i have purpose sharpie on my shoe. i was babysitting and a little girl had sharpie on her hand and she was like pushing on my shoe or something and she got it on there but its ok. im going to try to get it off with hairspray. did you know that you can get ink off of clothes or skin with hairspray? and you can get deoderent off of clothes with pantyhose. and....im trying to think of other tricks i know. no more.

i want to go shopping lol. shopping is fun like for the moment and then the joy of the new stuff you buy like fades away though. it's really fun like for that moment though, looking at yourself in the dressing room and like being like yes this fits! and then buying it and then walking out and then wearing it for the first time, but then there are certain things that you buy but you never wear and there are things that you wear like all the time. if only i could just like see which things im really going to wear all the time and the things i may as well not buy because then i could save alot of money lol. i like to shop though. its actually more fun to shop for other people than it is to shop forme. maybe that's what i'll do today. i'll start my chrstmas shopping for everbody. that would be fun and then i wouldn't feel like i was spending money pointlessly on myself. i should make a list. who do i need to buy for? i need to buy for my piano students, there are nine of them, six girls and three boys. and i need to buy something for ms kim. and....hope and heather and olivia and caylor and sarah and mary and laura and maybe kelsey and mom and dad and katelyn and caroline and claire and aunt donna and i should probably make food or something for the people at the office, and hmmm....lily. i should get something for lily, and i don't know who else. that's a lot of people lol. so here we go
brenna
logan
caeden
michael
julia
james
marianne
chloe
phoebe
ms. kim
ms. amy
hope
heather
caylor
olivia
katelyn
caroline
amanda
katie
jamey
laura
sarah
mary
office people
mom
dad
aunt donna
claire
i'm sure there are more i'm forgetting. there alwayz are and then i remember and am like ahhH!but i looked through my phone book and i didn't see anybody else. lol. so that's good. ok.

music is very interesting. it can like completely alter moods, change emotions, and all that kind of stuff. i love music. it makes me happy, or sad, or angry, or depressed, or like in love, even if there's no one to love, which eventually makes me lonely, so i switch to depressing music, so its just kind of like a circle lol. i'm listening to a song in french right now, from the moulin rouge soundtrack. it's making me feel like relaxed and happy. ok a new song came on, its definately not in french, and its like making me want to go running for like forever and like punch something, and like wow. lol, strange ppl are talking to me on im. and i'm being text messaged and i'm typing and there are ppl screaming through my headphones and i think im definately a little overstimulated at times lol. i need to call my friend. lol. and practice piano. and write the essay. and i need to leave to go shopping. the shopping has priority over all the others lol. shocker there. it sure is that i can type quickly or i'd be on the computer like all the time. it's funy to watch my hand while i type because i like don't even thinkin about moving my fingers, but they just move themselves like in lreation to whateveri think that the words just appear. it's kind of cool. i guess that's just how it goes when you type all the time.

i listened to shakira for like forever the other night. it was really fun. i love her new song. don't bother. 'don't bother, i'll be fine...." it's really good. i was like listening to all her music in spanish and english. that was the night i was up until four something in the morning working on school. i don't do well with not very much sleep. on tuesday, i like went upstiars in the ic building and just curled up and like five seconds before class everboyd's like 'come on annie! you've got to come to class!' so i went to class and sat in the back and tried to sleep, but i really have a hard time sleeping in public. it's just one of my things. i just like can't relax. but that's ok. i got to rest and that's cool. lol. i was just trying to burn a cd one on one media player and listen to it one the other. the cd didn't like that too much lol. it feels like its the weekend and i keep using my cell phone like it is. that's what happens at christmas. i go shopping for like nine hours every day and get all tired and everything and i end up on the phone like perpetually kuz it feels like saturday all the time, and the cell phone bill says it isn't saturday. which is very unkind of the cell phone bill lol.

last christmas, i got like this huge text messaging bill. like it was insane. lol. i was text messaging like all the time. like 24/7. it was really fun but the bill was also really fun haha. so im going to try to watch that this holiday season. because buying presents for all these people is going to cost enough lol. and i'm just such a talkative person, i cant stand like walking around not on the phone or talking to someone or something. im beginning to despise tmobile, however. it doesn't work at school at all or most of the way to school or at my friend caylor's house or a bunch of other places where it totally should work and that makes me mad. lol. so maybe i shoul switch to verizon or something, but my phone is way cooler than the other phones places give you. or maybe i should just get a nextel. i but i don't even know many ppl with nextels, so that would really be kind of pointless. lol.

i'm trying to write this essay for a scholarship i'm applying for. i haven't had any time because i've had all my school to do, but now i have some time and i'm like trying to write and it isn't working. i think i may not understand the assignment fully which always presents problems. lol. its kind of hard to write abotu something if you don't understand what you're writing. ewan mcgregor and nicole kidman really have very good voices. it's interesting when people who are actors or w/e try to sing normally. but they both have really good voices. like, the whole lindsey lohan and hillary duff crowd are just stupid, because they're fake and its just stupid that kids like magically end up on the disney channel all their lives and then show up in like fifty movies and release six albums by the times their twenty. I mean, its just like, stupid. it's all fake and they can't even really act or sing. but somehow they end up on the cover of seventeen and its just stupid. lol. that's my opinion at least. i think famous people should be real and be good at one thing and just be famous for that instead of everyone being able to sing and dance and act and model and all that. ashlee simpson is another example of this kind of person lol. so that's my rant on fake celebrities.

so yesterday was thanksgiving. my family came over, like my cousins and stuff, so that was fun. my cousin Olivia and I went to the Avenue on wednesday and hung out and that was fun and then her fam came over and all on Thurs and we're gonna go to the movies and stuff later today. but yeah. i didn't feel very good yeserday, but that's ok. i'm listening to the moulin rouge soundtrack. it's good. it's olivia's. she also has the brokedown palace soundtrack. brokedown palace is about hthese girls that graduate from high school and have been best friends all thier lives and are gonna go on a seior trip and they tell their parents that they're going to hawaii, but instead they go to like taiwan or something. so they go and they like get involved with this guy who puts drugs in their bags so they get arrested and get put in jail and no on knows where they are and they have to stay there for a long time and there's this lawyer who tries to help them and stuff and they try to run away which gets them an even longer sentence. so yeah, they're stuck there for like years and then the one friend says she'll stay for all her life if they'll let her friend go, so she stays and the other one leaves and it's really sad. but it's awesome because they're such good friends and it's like such a big sacrifice and you can't watch it without crying. but it's really good. so yeah. everyone should see it. i think it should have won awards and stuff. it has kate beckinsale and claire danes in it. so yeah. anywayz

we watched batman begins yesterday. i saw that four times in theaters, but it was still good, but our stupid dvd player was messing up. like, the one upstairs is broken, and now the one downstairs is messing up too. so yay. maybe they're like all programmed to break after a certain amount of time so that everyone has to go buy new ones lol. probably not, but hey i think its kind of wierd that we buy to different kinds of dvd players at seperate times at sepearate stores and we dont' use either of them too terribly much and they both randomly break at the same time. the one upstairs started like, when you hit eject it would come out for like a half a second so you'd have to stick the dvd in real fast or it would close again, and then it decided that it didn't want to ever open or close again and it decided this while it had a rental dvd in it so we had to break it lol. the one downstairs is like, just being mean, it kind of skips randomly and stuff, like they'll be talking, and it'll be like 'hi how are you? I'm fi... *freeze*....*unfreeze* ne! thank you for ask...*freeze*.....*unfreeze* ing!!' yeah. that's gets a little annoying after a while lol.

So we had to read a whole bunch of really depressing books all in one semester one time. we had to read 'a day in the life ivan denosavich' or w/e his name is by that alexander sholshanistken or w/e. yeah my spelling is awesome on russian names. and we had to read 'night' by elie weisal and the 'the hiding place' by corrie ten boom and 'all quiet on the western front' by some guy' and i think that's the semester we read lord of the flies too. we always had to read like 30+ books each school year for lit, a few were for history, but most for lit.

we also had to read perelandra. Perelandra is an awesome book. it's by C.S. Lewis and it is the sequal to 'out of the silent planet' and is followed by 'that hideous strength.' it is about a man named Ransom who lives on earth and...i guess i'll tell about the silent planet one first. Ok. so he goes on this voyage into space with these men...I don't remember why, but they travel to another planet and he gets to know the creatures there, and the men he travelled with are really bad but he doesn't know it, so he has to like save the creatures on the planet, and he learns their language and lives there for a long time, and he loves it there...and there's this king and queen and there are these angel like creatures, one rules over every planet. their called elindel. And yeah. I loved that book but i can't remember it anymore.

So yeah, Perelandra. In Perelandra, he travels in a coffin like thing to another planet, and on this planet, there are only islands and they all float are wierd, like the land rolls like the sea and there's this green woman and she's the queen and the King is on another island, and she' s perfect. She rules over all the animals, and their all wierd and different. There's like, some land that is fixed land, it never moves. She can talk to the Great One or something, like he can just talk to her in her head, and he has told her that she shouldn't stay on the fixed land, so she doesn't. And she meets Ransom and thinks he's the king at first, but he's not. So they're there, and then Watson, the bad guy who Ransom took the first trip with shows up and he's all like being weird, and he starts trying to convince the green lady to stay on the land and like tells her that it will be good for her and she will be able to keep her stuff safe and that the Great One really wants her too and that its a test for her that she has to pass and stuff, and Ransom is trying to talk her out of all this and she's all confuzed, and Watson tells her all these stories about heroic women on earth that have done all this stuff and triumphed under difficult cirucumstances and stuff.

So Ransom and Watson are like both trying to get her to do different things. And Watson is like possessed. And they end up fighting, and they start calling Watson the Un-Man and its wierd but Ransom wins and the kind and queen are reunited and the elindil are all there and ransom has a cut on his foot from Watson that won't heal and he goes home and he looks all young again, like twenty years younger and its just really cool.

The Agony and the Ecstacy

The Agony and the Ecstacy
This is a biography of Michaelangelo. It's kind of like, in story form with tons and tons of details. Like it will spend pages and pages describing just like, one little aspect of this sculpture he's doing, and the chisel hitting the mable, and the shavings falling to the ground, and the shape being formed, and it's just like AHHH!! but it's still a good book. you really get to see inside the life of michaelangelo, and like into his mind and his heart sort of...like his whole life story but with personal details involved. not just...and then carved david. no. it tells you like where he gets the marble to carve david and why he carves david and the whole carving of david, and his emotions as he carves. he kind of lived in poverty. he was really picky about what kind of marble he would use. If it hadn't been in such detail, i probably would have read it more closely. i remember some part about him painting frescoes in school and being the best and like having to buy everyone wine because his was the best, and then there was another part where it was like, he painted this really pretty thing and everyone said his was bad, and everyone elses didn't even look like a pear or w/e they were painting and he didn't understand how they could say his was bad when it was a perfect pear...but there was like some lesson he had to learn...i can't remember what it was. maybe i should reread that one too, but i really don't remember enjoying it enough to reread it....but if i ever need to know lots and lots of details about the life of micahelangelo, i know where to look lol. and evidently i've written a paper about or something before because i type michaelangelo really easily lol.

great expectations

Great Expectations
Great Expectations is a good book. it's by Charles Dickens and its about a boy named Pip. He lives with his horrible sister and her husband. her husband is nicer, as i recall, i think the husand is just kind of dumb and does whatever the sister tells him too. he's a blacksmith. but anyways....pip. he's a little boy and he goes out to this graveyard to visit his parents graves or something and this man who's wearing shackles (like the metal things they tie your feet up with when your in jail). pip tells him that his brother-in-law is a blacksmith or w/e and the guy like sits him on a gravestone and threatens him until pip promises to bring him a tool to help him get the shackles off and he has to bring him food too. So pip goes and gets the stuff and brings it back. So yeah, that's how it starts and then it goes into the rest of the book...and there's this old lady named mrs habbersham or something and she a niece or something who lives with her and pip is in love with the niece...and the neice's name is...Estella. And they kind of grow up together I guess, but then pip gets called away by some benefactor who is going to let him go to school or something so he goes away and i think he starts working for a lawyer or something, and they become friends and it ends up that his mysterious benefactor is the convict who he helped all those years before. He's devestated. His sister dies and Estella marries someone else. At the end, the like see each other again or something...i don't remember.

Basically, the point of this book is that Pip always has expectations about what he thinks will make him happy. First he thinks that being a blacksmith will, then he thinks that becoming a gentleman will, then it turns out that his benefactor is a convict instead of something prestigous, and he doesn't get Estella and his one real friend, his sister's husband, he ends up rejecting him because he doesn't think he's refined enough. So he throws away everything good in his life for something fake thinking it will make him happy and it never does, so he has great expectations about life that are unfulfilled. But I guess the end with like the possibility of being wiht Estella could either be a happy ending or just another great expectation that will never be fulfilled.

the scarlet letter

The Scarlet Letter
The Scarlet letter is about a lady who has an affair during the days of the Salem witch trials and she has a daughter as the result of her affair, and so everyone knows about it, and she has to wear this big red A, standing for Adultery, on her chest so everyone will know she's a 'horrible person' which is the stupidest thing i've ever heard. So...everyone rejects her and her daughter never gets to play with the other kids and there's this really horrible mean, devilish man who like haunts her and tries to destroy her life and stuff. It's a book that's like...really internal. there's not a lot of dialogue. it's kind of dark and morbid, and sad, but its really good. And...it seems like there's something about that horrible man having some sort of wound on him from his bitterness and like him actually being the father of her child or something, or maybe somebody else is the father of her child, i don't remember, but in the end, he gets hung I think (oh and her daugher's name is Pearle) and they go away to another place and she gets to take the A I think and they live happily. So yeah, i need to reread that one, my memory of it is a little fuzzy lol.

The Lord of the Flies
A horrible book. lol. This book is about some school boys who are taking a trip or something and are flying and then their plane crashes and all the adults die, and they land on an island, or in the ocean or something and swim to the island. So they're all there on the island, and they make shelters and figure out how to start a fire using Piggy's glasses and stuff like that. And there's this shell called a conch and when they have meetings, whoever has the conch gets to talk. And there are two leaders, like...Ralph and somebody else. I think. Well we'll call one good guy and the other bad guy. how origonal. So yeah, they're there on the island and everybody obeys good guy at first. ok good guy is too long to type, im looking up the guys name. ha! found it. Ralph is the good guy and Jack is the bad guy. OK. so everybody obeys ralph and all at first and ralph wants everyone to be good and civilized and makes them start a fire which must be guarded at all times so that someone will come find them and stuff like that. And...Jack is the bad guy and eventually people start following him and like becoming animalistic and they kill piggy and its really sad. And by the time they're all rescued, everyone is chasing Ralph and trying to kill him and I think Ralph is the only civilized one left. So they're rescued and the adults think they're all playing a game when really theyr'e like out to slaughter Ralph, so his life is saved and it's all good. But it's still a super gross story.
So...this story shows that when people are left alone without the restraints of society and rules and religeon and government and expectations and all that, they become animalistic and do not just become better and better without the negative influences surrounding them. And they try to kill anyone who stands between them and they're animalistic ways and stuff life that. Bad book lol. But i remember it! like...it left an impression on my mind. So yeah.

Ok so in an effort to begin writing many many blogs in a short amount of time, I will proceed to comment on various literature books which I have studied over the years.

Frankenstein
Frankenstein is written by Mary Shelley. She lived at the same time as Lord Byron and Keates and all. (there's a song called 'these words' by natasha bettingfield, who is daniel bettingfield's sister, that mentions their names. kind of cool. Daniel Bettingfield is from Australia and a few years ago, he had a crush on this girl and recorded himself singing and like altered it digitally and all and his friends were like omg thats an awesome song so he like released it to aus radio and it became a huge hit and then it the US and they still play it today. And Natasha who is his sister is now big. These words was her first release, and she has also released in "unwritten' which is featured in both 'ice princess' and 'the sisterhood of the travelling pants', both of which are good movies, sisterhood being far better than princess, but both are good lil chick flicks that aren't annoyingly dramatic and stupid.) back to Frankenstien. It's interesting that most ppl refer to the monster that he created as 'frankenstein' but in reality, frankenstein was the inventor's name, and the creation is really 'frankenstein's monster.' There is an interesting version of frankenstein's monster in van helsing, featuring kate beckinsale and ohh what is his name...he's in x-men too...hugh jackman. He' s a good actor. Um...so yeah, Frankenstein decides to create a monster and like steals corpses and body parts or something from some place and figures out the way to create life, which is never disclosed in the book, so he creates the monster, it's really ugly and it comes to life.

The monster runs away and terrorizes people without meaning to and goes and live's in a cave. There are people who live next door to him, and he likes to watch them. They don't know he's there. He can't understand them at all at first. He brings them wood in the night and stuff like that because they're poor. He eventually learns English through observing them, if i'm remembering correctly, and one day, he shows them who he is and they are really scared of him because he's huge and ugly so he's crushed that his friends, the only people who knows in the whole world hate him. So he goes away. He goes and finds Frankenstein and tells him to make a girl version of him so that he can go away somwhere and be happy. Frankenstein does, but he never brings her to life, so Frankenstein gets married and the monster comes and kills his wife, which is really horrible, and then eventually kills Frankenstien, and then the end is kind of confusing, because it like switches perspectives a bunch. But ummm yeah. it was good through the whole thing until the end.

It's interesting because it personifies the ideal of knowledge corrupting. Knowledge is supposedly the opposite of innocence, and so the monster is like, perfect (like in mind and spirit) when he is first created, and then as he gains more and more knowledge, he becomes corrupted, and then he gets to the point of killing people and destroying life and all, and destroying his maker and all. So that's an intersting argument for that perspective. It also kind of shows that like, people aren't perfect, so nothing they create can ever be perfect, and that it's good for people not to be able to create life because if they could, then the world be a really screwed up place full of monsters and people being killed and all that kind of stuff. so yeah. that's Frankenstein.

I woke today

I woke today and long I lay with my hands covering my face,

For they hid the tears which streaked down my cheeks,

The fears that morning light didn’t banish

At last I rose, but oh what a way start out a bright sunny day

With tears of fear of anger and that which was near suddenly being ripped away

I tried to break the spell of tears,

to wash away the gloomy leer that seemed haunt and surround me,

but the tears held on and did not break,

for though they ceased to flow outside,

my heart ran cold and icy inside

and all was not all right.

What causes fears that plague the night?

What causes nighttime dread?

I cannot shake the restless sleep,

the drowsiness that hangs o’r my head,

for though I’m waking, I’m still asleep,

and though I’m smiling, the tears are inside.

So what is real? What’s right, what’s here?

The outside or the inside there?

The sun is shining out my window.

Why do I see clouds?

When birds sing do I hear thunder

and when sunlight catches in the shades,

do I see lightning streaking bright with and hear the wind whistle?

The walls are four around me here.

I’ve counted them many a time.

And no matter how many times I could them again,

the number will always be four.

Four, an empty number it would seem, for within these walls,

they are full, there lies an empty heart.

Sometimes its full with joy and smiles but today there’s only pain.

Consumed

Consumed

Curl up in a corner;

Close your eyes;

Block it all out.

Maybe you’ll forget.

Maybe you’ll let go,

Maybe you’ll be free.

Maybe the face you see when you close your eyes won’t haunt you,

You’ve got to let me know,

I’ve got to know if when I see it in your eyes,

It consumes you.

I would do it all for you if I could,

I would make it go away,

But she consumes you.

She holds your heart in her hand,

And she has broken it,

And it’s not fair.

But I will help you,

I will help you see,

Because your eyes are blinded by your tears,

And they won’t see the way.

Your heart doesn’t want to let go, to be free.

But if you go with me,

Far away from here,

You’ll see in me all you’ve missed,

All you’ve forgotten,

But you hold on, and you won’t let go.

Your life is tied to hers,

And that lets you go on,

Go on loving,

Go on living,

Go on consumed.

Where are you?

You’re lost within yourself.

And I’m consumed.

There you are again

There you are again

I turn around again

Everywhere I turn

You’re there

Following me even in my thoughts

Where can I go to escape?

Your face behind my eyes

Before me all the time

Around me

I’m with you as I dream

But you’re never really there

How can I escape?

I can’t stop remembering your name,

Recalling your face in every moment of the day (all the moments of my day)

The way you move, it holds me captive.

You’re watching me.

Where can I run from your eyes?

W/ that I turn away,

Where can I go today?

When will my dreams come to life?

I want to turn away from years of memories still haunting me,

But it holds me back,

It won’t let me go,

This love in my heart can’t die.

If it does, what will I see then?

What will be left before my eyes?

What is left besides you?

How can I escape?

I can’t stop remembering your name,

Recalling your face in every moment of the day

The way you move, it holds me captive.

You’re watching me.

Do I want to run from your eyes?

You go on

How do you go on?

How do you live knowing all that you do?

Does it take your breath away?

I watch you live,

Yet I’m watching life pass you by,

I watch your happiness elude you,

And I see you want to hold her,

To hold on to all you’ve known but it’s too late,

It’s gone.

It’s slipped by,

And he has taken it all away from you,

But you go on loving,

Go on breathing,

Go on trying to be all that you can,

And stop trying to be in love

With the phantom of her heart you wished you could hold.

But then, how can you let go,

When all your dreams are tied up with all you know and feel of her,

But I can’t bear to watch your sorrow anymore,

To feel your pain when you speak,

To see it in your eyes and want to cry,

To make it go away.

Please, be free.

inside

Inside

The rain falls down around me but I am warm inside.

What is to fear when everything I love is there, and it waits for me?

Why should I not be whatever I feel like being?

Whichever way the wind blows, I’m free.

Don’t hold me down,

Don’t pull me back,

I’m here awake, looking around at my world,

And even if it’s rent in two, I can hold on.

I can be me.

I can know that I have peace and not be afraid of all that is to come.

For what is there will stay,

I cannot make it go away,

And what is here is mine,

And I can do with it what I will.

And though the clouds gather and the rains fall,

The storms rage and the world crumbles,

I can still be me,

And within me is the strength which never lets me go,

So I shall never let it go,

For as long as I can hold on, I will.

And that’s the only way to be free.

Why not choose?

I feel like giving up on this game,

This game called life.

I feel like life has gone away

And I can’t find it anymore.

Where should I turn from here?

Where should I go?

I should have looked for you

But I can’t see you anymore

Now you’re gone

And where am I?

I’m lost in the cold dark night

Where am I now?

I’m lost in the cold

So far from my home

And I can’t see the other side,

The other side,

And I’m lost in the cold.

Turn from me now

And you’ll see,

I’m waiting on the other side,

My sight is fading into darkness

The clouds around my heart are darker than they’ve ever been before

Where have you gone now?

Where have you gone?

The mist is here, around me,

Surrounding me, shrouding me from my thoughts,

The voices in my head tell me what to hear.

And I can’t hear you.

Come back to me now.

I’m lost here in the dark.

Can you save me now?

Or am I too far gone?

Have I slipped from the light?

Tears fall,

My tears fall down around me

They flood my soul w/ doubts

They’ve left me here alone (kuz you’ve left me here alone)

I’m lost in the cold

Can anyone save me now?

Beautiful, tall and cold. She stood alone, taking the words of malice that rolled over her like so many waves of the sea. Inwardly, her mind was racing, her thoughts on fire, her heart pounding. Outwardly, nothing could get to her. Nothing could break her ivory façade. Her demeanor spoke, “Dare to try and break me. Dare to bring me down!” And none would. She walked, and all stepped back. She entered, and all were aware. None would bend, or reach, to touch her, to feel the depth of her resolve, to know that she was weak, and that she could break if a breath touched her. Her façade could crumble at the slightest touch, at a hint of someone against her, but none could see. No one dared.

She was about to shatter. Her eyes would melt into a thousand crystal blue teardrops. They all breathed her in, until the breathed her life away, and she had nothing left to give.

memories

The door slammed closed behind her as she stepped through the doorway into the hall which was lined with pieces of memories that she sought so hard to bury within her, or to erase entirely. Coming here only served to undo all the progress she had made. Would she never be able to forget, to move on? There were many chapters in this book called life, and now was the beginning of her new chapter, yet still she kept turning back, rereading, over and over the lines which had been her life, defining who she was and all that she had become. She stood still for a moment, looking around as though in surprise. In some ways, she was seeing everything anew, from a different perspective, and yet somewhere deep inside her, there was the urge to see each and every piece as a piece of who she was now. After all, could one really change oneself so much that the end result was so far removed from the beginning? It hurt to see it, to feel the happiness and the sadness this life –or that life- had brought her. How many times had she sat here and laughed; how many times had she cried? She was coming home, and still she felt like she was walking into someone’s home uninvited. What would assault from the next corner? She let her eyes drift down the hall, along the pictures which lined it, reminding her. And there they were, frozen in time, smiling for eternity, together. Tears filled her eyes as she remembered that day, so long ago, as she remembered it all. How had she lost her best friend? She had made her choice, and the consequences were dire

Child of Light

Child of Light

The sunlight filters through the sheers,

She looks out at the morn so clear.

The breeze is calling her to play

Shall she follow and greet the day?

She races out into grassy fields,

Such beauty, how can it be real?

She turns and sees the ancient tree,

Reaching upward, oh so green.

This tree has been her fairy tale,

And for her, it has never failed.

The sea of green around her waves,

Grassy fields in leafy shade.

The tree stands high above the ground,

Casting shade to all around.

She climbs amidst the leafy boughs,

Never fearing to glance down.

The day is perfect, blue and bright,

Sunshine dazzling in the sky.

The leaves whisper amongst themselves

Of this new royal in their boughs

“Her slender frame we will protect,

For she is young and can’t know yet

That beauty isn’t always true,

And fades sometimes like morning dew.”

The world around makes her their queen;

She reigns over all she can see.

The land spreads out before her eyes,

Stretching out to meet the skies.

In the distance, it becomes

A magic kingdom in the sun.

I had to give an impromput speech on land mines the other night. ahh yes, me and my extensive knowledge about war tactics lol. "And the only way to detonate them is to jump on them..." Question from the audience: "How do they choose who's going to jump on them??" yeah. fortunately, bs was allowed lol. so it was all good. i got a 98.

My latest adventures: I drove all the way to teach piano the other day with the orange light on and the gas gauge registering below E. very wise. I get there, and I'm like "where's the nearest gas station??" so Ms. Kim tells me where it is, and then she's like, "I won't feel comfortable unless I follow you" so she gets all 7 of her kids in the car and follows me to gas station. She is such a nice person. And I felt so horrible lol. So she waits for a little while. First the credit card won't work. I'm so good with credit cards. I always slide them the wrong way, and the things going "remove card quickly, remove card quickly, remove card quickly..." on and on and on and let me tell ya, I was removing that card real quickly by the end. Then I discovered my error and turned the card around. I only had to pay like 36 something for a full tank of gas. a miracle! lol. So Ms. Kim leaves. I remove the gas dispenser thingy, somehow managing to squeeze the triggar thing in the process and spraying gas all over my feet and getting it on my hands. it formed something of a puddle on the ground. So that was fun. Then I got into the car and I'm about to pull out into the intersection, and these men start motioning to me. they're like 'stop stop!! back up!!' and they're pointing to the side of the car, so i'm like completely confuzed. I thought it was the gas cap or something, so i got out and went and looked at the other side of the car, and they're like 'there's a ditch!! so yeah, i'm about to drive half my car into this large ditch to left of my car. They're like 'you may want to reverse and cut your tires." so I got back in and reversed and cut my tires and they drove away and pulled out into the intersection and proceeded to work. So at work...I get there, and my boss walks in the room after a little bit and he's like "it smells like gas!" and i'm like "Yeah i kind of spilled it all over me at the gas station." to which he said something about how the state of New Jersey is the only state in which you have to have an attendant fill your car with gas and how he always kind of made fun and was like 'who would spill gas??" and i'm like "we should have those attendants here." lol. So THEN...the building manager walks in and he's like "I just thought I'd tell you that your right front tire is going flat." and i just like put my head down on the desk and shook my head slowly lol. He's like "you may want to get some air in it." and i'm like 'how????' so yeah. my right front tire is going flat, and its missing a hubcap. I have an art for losing hubcaps. we have a spare one kuz i already lost one my parents bought more than one in case i lost another, which i did. *sigh*. So who else thinks it's just an awesome idea for me to be on the roads???? Gosh!!!! lol.

OK so i seriusly need to get typing!!! i'm going to get like 35 on this assingment if i don't lol. they're all playing lazer tag outside. i wish i could. but oh well ic an't. im sitting in a very hot room with a bunch of other relatively bored people typing away on a blog. yyaayy. I didn't get to eat lunch. It's sitting next to me looking very appetizing so i can't wait to go to my car and eat it. That will be nice. My hair is up. I look like pebbles, or w/e that flintstones girl is with the little pony tail on top of her head. its not quite on top of my head though lol. its up there though. I'm wearing a shirt that has the gators and the miami ppl on it. Because i went to the peach bowl. It was fun. My friend called me on new years eve morning and was like 'ya wanna go to the peach bowl??' so i went. we were actually selling chick ful a so i walked around yelling 'GET YOUR CHICK FUL A!!!!!!!! HOT CHICK FUL A!!!!!!!' like those ppl who yell "ICE COLD BEER!!!' Very atypical of me. lol

How have I stereotyped other people? When i've very angry with members of the opposite sex, I tend to say things with general implication that all males are the spawn of the devil, and such things, but then i take it back. sort of. and all guys are liars. and cheaters, and losers lol. I tend to stereotype females as well. i'm not very trusting of other females, like right off. especially ones that like throw themselves at guys. that makes me mad, so if i see a girl doing that, i make the assumption that she's a bad person, when in reality, should could be very good friends with the guy and just be playing around. I dunno. Those are the general assumptions I make. And I assume that certain people will be like, snobby by the way they dress and the tone in their voice, etc. Not alwayz true either. And stuff like that. so ok. dont with that.

I wanted to play lazer tag!!!!!!!! but i didn't have time and had to come to this class instead. *growl*

there are pretty clouds outside today. I need to type type type! why do i have the feeling that im going to be up really really late writing about nothing one of these nights writing like fifty blog entries. i would seriously rather not do that, but i can if I had to. when i was writing one of my books, I wrote more than one hundred pages in one night. lol. that was rather difficult but i did it lol. I would certainly rather avoid that pain. though. I'm trying to think of something to write about. we're studying...what are we studying in humanities? we're studying cubism. i don't like cubism. I mean its very geometric and such, but its my opinion that it doesn't take artistic talent to that, it takes math talent. thats not art. I did a research paper on Paul Klee last year. He was an interesting fellow. He had some cool art, some wierd though. i don't really like any of picasso's art, but Paul Klee had some cool art.

How did my childhood toys effect who i want to be today?
I think my toys as a child really did influence me. I had this toy nurse when I was little. She sits on my shelf now. She's like two inches tall and she's like an old fashioned nurse with the little hat and the white dress and all and wanted to be a nurse for like forever. then i realize i didn't even like blood so that probably wasn't a good idea, but the toy affected me for a long time. I always got lots of dolls and doll clothes and stuff and now i still really like fashion and stuff even though i dont dress my dolls up lol. and what else...I had a easy bake oven in which i could make cookies. i can still make cookies...but not much else. I suppose the oven accomplished its goal in reference to the cookies, but i think it was supposed to encourage furthur domesticity and kind of failed. but i can cook if i have a recipe and all the ingredients clearly labelled and everything writeen very clearly or else I end up doing the whole thing where i put three cups of four instead of three tablesppons. lol. not just teaspoons and tablespoons mixed up...Cups and tablespoons lol. sad. what other toys did i have...i had beanie babies. lots of those. i still like animals. can't stand to watch animal movies where animals get hurt to this day. and....i had gardening sets. i hate gardening. well i guess i don't hate it, i'm just not a big fan.

Hello. we got red bulls on the soccer field today. it was so fun. these girls like walked up and started handing them out and we ran around the on the field drinking them while we played and we were all hyper and it was really fun and i'm still kind of hyper because im like typing really fast and i havne't used like hardly any punctuation yet and a i really hope i got an A on that essay thats sitting over there on the desk because if i didn't them i'm go ing to be mad because he gave out twelve and if i'm not one them sad day.

Am I for or against guns
I think that acces to guns should be limited. I think that people should be trained in how to use them, that they should have holders for them that are government approved and inspected in any house holding a gun and that these holders should be completely child proof. I think that it's stupid to only let the government have guns because then if the government becomes corrupt the people will have no means of defending themselves against the governemnt and starting a new one. So that idea is ridiculous, but there needs to be a specific purpose for each gun and things like fingerproof guns should be outlawed because nobody protecting their family or shooting a deer cares if they have their fingerprints on the gun. Only people who are attempting to harm and murder others have need of that kind of gun. There should be more restrictions on what kind of guns the public is allowed to have, but guns should not be outlawed in general. the same holds true of the authors theory of knives instead of guns. if the public has knives and the government has guns, then if the gov becomes corrupt, then they can shoot the ppl with knives long before they get close enough to shoot them. Unless you can throw a knife, but then that becomes more dangerous like a bullet could, though not as serious because it would diffcult for a thrown knife to go through a wall and come out the other side a kill someone. but still. she needs a better theory than knives. lol. ok buh bye

There are many stereotypes in this world. i think everyone stereotypes and is stereotyped in some way. I think there are two different ways that people view me. I think sometimes people view me and the skinny little pretty girl who likes to have fun and therefore can't be intelligent. That bugs me. It's like, just because i don't look like a geek doesn't mean i have to be an idiot. Another stereotype which is actually the reverse of the other is that once people discover that i am semi intelligent, they assume that i can do no wrong when it comes to academics and that it is a complete failure if i make a B or heaven forbid, a C! That is perhaps the stereotype i encounter the most, because anyone who gets to know at any level at all learns that i am semi intelligent and thus they assume that i alwayz make good grades. the other stereotype is like, a surface one. And anyone who judge me from the surface rather than getting to me is not someone i would want to be friends with, nor would i have any regard for their opinion of me. The other stereotype of intelligence is the more predominant one, the one that hurts me sometimes. Because then I feel like a failure if I do not excel at everything I do. It also bugs me because I know that I'm capable of excelling, but sometimes, it just doesn't work. like my humanities quiz today, I knew all the answers last night. I had read everything and was prepared, but as soon as I went to write it down, it was gone. so yeah, that irritates me, because I knew everything on this quiz and was fully capable of making an A on it, but I didn't. I probably made an F and i even forgot to write my name on it. lol. So yeah, that's not cool. I guess maybe its things like that that cause people to make that stereotype because they know just as well as I do that what I'm capable of, but it just isn't cool when I don't get any slack cut for trying on and not succeeding every single time.

I'm not a very reckless person. I haven't been reckless as far as recklessness goes, like jumping off cliffs or rapelling off the sides of buildings or anything like that. I suppose the most reckless I have been is with my heart. I've given it away too easily, trusted too easily. I'm trying to learn my lesson though, because the results that misplaces trust produces are not pleasent and are in many ways more unpleasent than physical pain, because physical pain can be quelled, but internal pain lasts...it grows, or it can stop, but it can be like a would that festers and grows and hurts more and more. i guess sometimes it can go away, but like, everything that hurt me like two or three years ago still hurts. some things have faded though. and that's good. and i know that the things that hurt me now will eventually fade as well, but its not like when you get a cold where you can just like take a pill for a week and then the cold goes away or like just go see the dr and its all better. it doesn't work like that. so yeah. i don't know.

Im so happy!!!! i had a math quiz today and i think i did really well, which is really good because i refuse to finish this semester without a 4.0. well i hope i don't, i mean, if i don't then i fell like a failure, but oh well. we'll just see how it goes. but if i do well on this quiz then that will make me happy and then hopefully i'll do well on the test as well. kuz theres a test thursday. i want to make a 4.0 because like, i know i'm capable of making one, and if i don't that means i haven't tried hard enough which means my priorties are not in order, which they probably aren't, but i like my priorities how they are becuase theyr'e fun, but not really. i dont know. most people think i work too hard and then there are my parents who don't think i work hard enough on my school so i don't know how to believe. maybe they're both right, but i don't know how that could work. we'll just see how it goes.

i can lay my head down...

she makes an interesting analogy between the dance floor and the division between the sexes. the beginnings of people's characters can be seen even then in elementery school, or so people think. perhaps the years of high school begin the less awkward stage, for the two sexes meet on the dance floor, equally. there is respect on the part of each sex for the other (as long as you can dance haha). There always is a division between the sexes, women don't understand men in their simplicity and men don't understand women in their complexity. for women, anger and hurt feelings are the same. for men, they are the same. if a man is upset by something, his reaction is not to cry (generally) it is to become angry. Women experience a greater variety of emotions and express them in a much different manner. Some men do expres their emotions more and thus relate better to females. so yes. those are my feelings about the great divison between the sexes. its there, and it is difficult to overcome because one or both have to change in order for a meeting to occur. This is what love is for. lol.

somebody told me...

isn't it wierd when things happen that you never expect will but you want to happen? something happened that like, i would never have expected in a million years but that i'm excited about because i wanted it to happen but never would have thought it would. And like, so often things that i want happen and i regret them once they're over, but not this. this is a cool thing. lol. i feel all relaxed and happy. lol. im so relaxed that i could go to leep right now. my eyes are closed. if i mess up typing, that's why. lol. but its not thie kind of tired that wants me to escape from reality, its the kind that wants me to live in more. lol. maybe i can sleep and type at the same time. that would be an interesting feat. there's a hold in my jeans on the right knee. long story. i had to carry like six chairs down a huge hill, but before i carried them, i had to dive under a closing garage door so as to obtain them. not a particularly pleasent experience, but hey at least my jeans have a story and i didn't just buy them at abercrombie with holes in them. i dove under a garage door! lol.

i'm so happy.

and that's all i've got to say...

what is something, like a song or a sport that relates to real life? Hmmmm.....well, golf becomes a part of real life. its a sport and yet its used in business deals and stuff, like, people get together and play golf (people being old men in suits) and talk about business and like 'bond' or w/e. Soccer kind of relates to real life in that you have to depend upon other people to help you with stuff and know how to accept responsibiltiy when you are able to and delegate it when you are not. You depend upon your fellow players like you depend upon your friends and family and that relates to real life. Sometimes in life you have to compete against others like you do in soccer, and whoever makes the most 'goals' or does the best in work or w/e will come out on top.

where is your heart?...

I ran up the stairs (if it is possible to run up those stairs), my whole body screaming at my for the exertion. These stairs went on forever. Every time I climbed those stairs, I felt as though I was climbing up to heaven, and that each step took me one step closer to the paradise at the end. Unfortunately, it was always something of a letdown when at the end of the long ascent, I found a very average looking sitting area outside of the doors that led to the hallway after hallway of classrooms. Not exactly the eternal paradise I alwayz expected, but nothing is ever as I expect it to be. That does not mean that everything always goes badly; it just means that things are always...unusual in my life. As I neared the end of the flight of stairs, my sense of expectation was at its height, though my mind was fully aware of the fact that nothing but the sitting room awaited me. I wanted to stop right beofore I reached the top, to let the illusion last a moment longer, that maybe when I opened my expectant eyes, my imaginary world that led me to the top of those stairs every day would somehow be there. I couldn't stop though. The sense of expectation was too great, and my body would not obey the command of my mind. At last, I was there! And there it was, the loathsome sitting area. It wasn't as though it was such a horrible sitting area in and of itself. Chairs were grouped together where students sat together and studied or just talked until their classes came. There were no arms to these chairs, so together they formed strange couches. I became suddenly aware of the weight of my backpack, and it suddenly felt as though a small child had lept up the stairs behind me and was now clinging to me for dear life, though putting its own life in peril as I almost stumbled backwards all the way back down. My backpack was phenominally large for the size of person I am. It looked as though at least half my body weight was contained in the large pack, and many a strange glance was thrown my way throughout the day as I trudged around carrying the huge thing. I have a theory that its weight increases expontentially throughout the day. No matter what I take out of it, or how often I put it down, it is invariably heavier by the end of the day than it was in the morning. I am almost posative that this theory could be proved a fact if I just carried a scale with me and weighed it once in the morning and then again in the evening, but that would mean I would have to carry the scale with me, and let me tell you, it would definately not be worth the added weight. Walking over to the sitting area, I dropped the boulder off my back and onto the floor, expecting the building to tremble under the sudden weight added to its frame. I turned my face away from the room to look out the windows. The world stood still for a moment as my gaze was captured. Tiredness overwhelmed, and I dropped onto the chairs beneath me, curling up, letting sleep steal over me. My last thoughts before I drifted was something along the lines of, "This chair smells like Dr. Pepper," and then, "I knew I should have taken the elevator."